Me again...

Hi!

I almost forgot to give a Serta Memory Foam Topper Update.  I can’t tell if I like it.  Brad likes it a lot.  I don’t wake up I as often as I did before, but I do wake up.  I get really stiff.  Brad usually sleeps on his back, but I’m a lifetime side-sleeper.  I think that adjusting to sleeping on my back all the time is my most difficult adjustment.  You can’t really sleep on your side, contrary to the little Tempur-Pedic Logo…  she’s on her side!  I can fall asleep that way, but I end up on my back.  We’ll see – I am coming to the conclusion that I’m not going to be comfortable on any bed until my pain is under control. 

So maybe posting the entry yesterday was a bad idea.  This isn’t sarcasm…seriously.  I think that my “Minnesota Nice” makes me afraid to say how I really feel or what I need.  I don’t like making people upset. 

I shouldn’t have said anything about feeling forgotten, because the people who don’t care also don’t read this blog.  It was never my intention to come across as ungrateful, cruel.  I wasn’t complaining about my friends; but rather noting that throughout this experience, it is my true friends have been shining lights in my life. 

Deep down you always know those people who truly have kind and loving hearts.  Those are the people who help you up when you’re down; they are there no matter what mood or day you’re having.  They love and care about you no matter what.  Those people are real friends, and those are the people who read this blog.  I thank you for that.  I have been so blessed in my life to know so many kind hearts; it fills me up with joy every day. 

Maybe I should have never shared how down I felt?  It was never my intention to come across as cynical, again ungrateful or that I wasn’t thankful for each and every day.  I didn't mean to shove reality in anyones face per say.  I was done with the “Angry” phase months ago.  I think that it is mostly the frustration that gets me down, rather than where I’m at emotionally.  When going through testing, it can be hard to make it to the result days to find out what the next step is; it's like a cruel scavenger hunt.  But I am always happy to be part of each day.  Every day I laugh at my silly little doggies and giggle with my husband.  I might chat with a friend; I admire the snow, a warm breeze.  I daydream about fun things to do when I’m feeling better.  I think about things to do this summer, floating in the pool, sitting in the shade with a magazine.

Many people have asked me if I pray.  Yes, I do.  I pray in bits and pieces throughout the day.  A “Thank you” here, and a little “Thank you” there.  If I wait until the end of the day, I fall asleep shortly after, “Dear Lord.”  I have always had a relationship with God.  Today one of my best girlfriends sent me a verse, Philippians 4:6-7 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”  I’m good at saying “Thank you,” now I just need to work on asking for what I need.   

This could certainly be why I haven’t found peace within all of this.  I have been so rattled.  I'm in unmarked territory.  I long for that feeling of confidence that only sporadically presents itself to me these days.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have written about how I feel physically, or how anxious I am for this appointment, either.  I don’t want people to feel bad for me, I just want to get better; but I meant what I said about being worn down and fragile. 

In the past 10 months I have gone from a scared and uninformed patient, to an informed advocate who is not willing to undergo any more experimentation with my health.  It’s time to fix it.  "Even if there are only 3 in a million people with this disease, I can only assume that many of them come here; so fix it.  Give me my life back."  This is the pressure that I put on the appointment; but behind that I am still the patient who is scared.  I am worn down from the journey here.  I just want to know that I’ll get to feel like me again.  This is the kind of thing that makes me feel like I’m depressing.  Not that I always feel depressed, but that I want more than this.  I don’t want this disease to run my life anymore.

I can’t really think of any other questions to answer or things to clarify.  Just a little more waiting.  I will ask God for help.  I am thankful that I’m almost there and that my health has kept me fighting this far.  I am so thankful for my wonderful husband and for my two little pups; they take sure great care of me.  I’m thankful for all of my family and friends who support and love me.  I am excited to share some good news about my health again!   

I'm already starting to let go of the fear and feel excitement.  I'm almost there :-)

Lots of love,

M